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Session 2: Intimacy and Strength: How to Make Closeness Work

October 6, 2018 Pastor: Dr. John Cox Series: Finders Keepers Marriage Conference

Topic: Marriage Conference

SESSION 2 — Intimacy and Strength: How to Make Closeness Work


We all live at various levels of closeness in different parts of our lives. 

1) Drive-Through Level – This is the superficial interaction we have with people we cross paths with. 


2) News, Sports and Weather – This is where we chitchat with others in a light conversational way. 


3) Taking Care of Business – TCB – This is where we communicate out of our thoughts, opinions and advice. At this level, you know my thoughts about solving a problem, but you don't yet have my heart. 


4) Abiding Intimacy – This is the level of closeness where two hearts deeply share. In our last session we called this Can I let you in/Can I keep you in?

Can I share my experience of my heart with you and embrace yours?

Can I let you know what it feels like to be me, and care about what it feels like to be you? On the other hand can I be strong and grounded in who I am, and live knowing that I am loved, even without your reassurance? 

We all live somewhere in the continuum between "Let you in" and "Keep you in; between TCB and Abider. 



Abiders and TCBer's often marry and have interesting dances regarding intimacy. For instance the Emotional Connector wants more connection and makes this known!!  This feels critical to the TCB. So they withdraw. Connector now feels their withdrawal... and pursues more. TCB feels more criticized....Repeat indefinitely… 


Growing Together 

TCB need to learn... 

Learn to see the relational world as valid. 

Learn the meaning of "being with.” 


Emotional Abiders need to learn... 

Have room for your spouse to do intimacy differently than you. 

Learn to take responsibility for your emotions and needs and not just share them, dump them or "Do" them. 

Develop rich relationships in the body of Christ. Marriage was never intended to be the sole for all of our emotional needs. 


Questions for Thought and Discussion

1) For married and singles - Do you think that you are more of a Taking Care of Business type or a Emotional Abider type? 

Which do you think your spouse/sig other is? 


Can you see any dances this creates for y'all in your relationship?



2) Emotional Abiders - Reflect on ways that you can be more grounded and independent even if your spouse isn't connecting? Ask your spouse for their thoughts on this. How can you be using your body of Christ family to help address any urgency you feel in your emotional world? 


3) TCBers - What are ways that you can be more connected? 

Reflect on what keeps you from going there emotionally.  Ask your spouse for their thoughts on this.


More in Finders Keepers Marriage Conference

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The Seeking God of Eden

October 6, 2018

Session 3: Conflict and Fighting: Learning to Both Matter

October 5, 2018

Session 1: Growing Together, Not Growing Apart